Season 1 - Episode 7
Part 3 - Mindfulness and chronic health issues or chronic pain.
Hey! We made it to part three of this series on women and healthcare, and in last week’s episode I shared about the physical challenges I had earlier this year with both an unexpected iron deficiency and post viral syndrome after having COVID 3 times. Before that we discussed the healthcare system, and medical gaslighting that often occurs with women, as well as the challenge for healthcare providers when physical health symptoms mirror mental health symptoms. We chatted about things like vitamin & mineral deficiencies, thyroid problems and post viral syndrome that can all have symptoms that look just like anxiety - and should be ruled out prior to labeling something as JUST mental health or even somatic complaints.
So if you haven’t listened to the first 2 parts of this series, I would encourage you to hit pause here and go back to catch up.
This week, we are closing things out by talking about the mental stress of health issues, and I want to share some things that helped me in coping with some pretty significant anxiety as well as depression related to the physical health problems I experienced this year.
I want to categorize this episode into 4 sections. The first, to talk about how to cope mentally with the distress of physical discomfort or pain. I’ve spent a large portion of my career working with individuals who have chronic health conditions, and there is a huge mental aspect t this.
Next we’ll talk about fear of the unknown when you’re dealing with unexplained health problems or uncertainty about the future.
Third I want to talk about the social stigma of illness, especially for those who have permanent or very chronic health issues, and coping with the feeling of being ‘on the outside’ so to say, or even having FOMO when you’re not physically capable of doing the social activities you’re used to doing.
Finally, we’ll touch on re-building trust in the body, and learning to be in one’s body even when there’s pain or discomfort, as well as trusting the road to recovery so that you can push your edges and re-strengthen when it’s time. I’m going to share about some amazing somatic healing sessions I did with a friend Irene Tracey.
So let’s jump in with the emotional distress we feel with physical pain or discomfort. Now, I feel like this is one of the most fundamental human struggles with life in general. Life includes pain, and we don’t like it. I always use the word ‘pain’ very generally so that you can apply it to your personal experiences, whether it’s emotional pain or physical. We covered some of this in the episode about the Mind-Body connection as well if you missed that one.
Here’s the thing, it is incredibly natural as a living being to want to stop or avoid pain when we feel it (... for the most part, there ARE some exceptions to this of course but those would be different subjects, when people enjoy pain… or even experiencing healthy discomfort like exercise). Here… I’m talking about pain that we don’t want.
Of course we want to do what we can in life to avoid illness, physical or emotional pain, but the truth is we can’t always do that. So the very shitty solution in the cases where we can’t avoid it, we have to somehow learn to accept it. Sometimes my clients HATE the solutions I offer them, and honestly I hate this one too… it’s sooo hard! Acceptance and surrender to things we dislike that are uncomfortable is SO hard - but they are also, always my greatest saver.
Real talk here, I’ll always err on the side of being vulnerable… whenever I get sick… I get Soooooo annoyed. And I almost always start out with a major victim complex. Like whhhyyyyyy meeeeeee… make it stoopppp. That’s just the little tantruming child in me, bless her heart. Eventually I remember that the experience of being sick will be much smoother if I just let go, relax and accept that I’m down for a while. And ironically, this point of acceptance is ALWAYS the turning point where I start to feel better - it never fails.
So, What makes acceptance hard sometimes, is we think if we accept something that’s painful that we don’t like, we think we’re giving up, or making light of it, or approving of it, and that’s absolutely not the case. So when I accept I’m sick, that’s when I usually am actually able to do the things I need to do to get well. Slow down, sleep, nourish my body in the way that it needs. When I’m fighting or resisting it… those are all things I’m avoiding and not wanting to do.
Acceptance is a step-by-step process, which is taught with mindfulness practice. It’s something we have to do not just in the mind, but in the body too… because remember, our body communicates to our mind. So if we are saying to ourselves, ‘OK, FINE, I accept this thing.’ but we are still clenching our jaw and there’s tension in our shoulders and rigidity in the body… that doesn’t count, and our body is still telling our brain that there’s danger, so it’s going to keep releasing stress chemicals in the brain, which I can promise you, ain’t helping the immune system.
So this is where we have to be mindful and aware ‘ON PURPOSE’ of how our body feels, so that we can relax the tension, take some deep breaths, and pull that acceptance through all the way. This takes practice - it’s a skillset that I work with my clients on and one that I am continually learning myself as well.
The other way that mindfulness helped me (when I WAS able to access mindful presence in the midst of my health problems this year… cause remember, nobody is mindful all the time and there’s times we struggle to access our skillset here)... But when I could access my skillset another thing that helped is actual *mindful awareness* of the pain or discomfort - which is something distinct, it’s more than just regular awareness.
I was having all kinds of scary and uncomfortable physical sensations during those months, from my heart racing out of control, to the inner seizure-like buzzing, inability to think clearly or remember things, a queasy stomach all kinds of shit. When we pay attention to pain with judgment (oh no, this is terrible!), or resistance (trying to shove it away and make it stop) or even attachment (which is like hyper-focus on the sensation), all this does is intensify our emotional suffering. Anxiety goes up, depression goes up.
And this is where a lot of people really misunderstand mindfulness, because they think paying attention to something will intensify the discomfort… but it’s all about HOW you’re paying attention. It’s relaxed, non-judgmental, neutral and curious attention. And it’s also the ability to purposely shift your attention to something else when it’s time to, so we DON’T get stuck on something painful for longer than is helpful.
Let’s chat now about coping with fear of the unknown. So, up until this year I’ve been very lucky to be a fairly healthy person. I had never been to the ER before in my life (for me personally anyway), And I had never experienced these kinds of symptoms that genuinely felt like a threat to my life… I mean, our heart beating the way it’s supposed to is somewhat critical to living.
I was very concerned when I continued to have these wild symptoms after my third round of covid, lasting for months. I was genuinely afraid of my future.
And, here’s where mindfulness of our thoughts comes in, Mindfulness is a practice of living in the present moment. This doesn’t mean we don’t think about the past or the future, but when we do, we do it with awareness so that we can bring ourselves back to NOW when we need to. Because I’m sure you can relate… it’s easy to get stuck thinking about ‘what’s coming next’, planning, worrying, predicting, assuming. And the truth is we can never know with certainty what the future will bring.
So to a certain extent, this is where we have to also bring in acceptance of the unknown. Again, a full bodied acceptance and surrender to the FACT that we don’t know what the future holds.
Mindfulness of our thoughts - that is zooming out and watching your mind, noticing your thoughts, labeling them - can help us identify when our thinking is getting stuck somewhere unhelpful. You can say to yourself, ‘That’s an assumption thought. I cannot predict the future.’ And then redirect your attention to the present moment. Engage in some self-soothing or distraction (but…be careful with distraction because we can over-use it).
… If we are not practicing mindfulness, we have no control of our attention. We get lost in thoughts and we don’t even realize where our mind has taken us… or we are unable to re-focus on something more helpful in the moment.
I just want to say again that this takes practice. There is NO getting around that. This is why taking a structured mindfulness training program that gives you the chance to have accountability and create a new habit is so important. It’s rarely a step that can be skipped if you really want to create lasting change.
So, let’s talk about social stigma around illness now. And I want to acknowledge again that what I struggled with earlier this year was a flash in the pan compared to what many people deal with in terms of chronic health conditions. And we could talk super broadly about actual disabilities that many people live with… in general, people with illnesses and disabilities are often marginalized from society.
And I did not face actual social stigma during my experience, but I did feel some internal embarrassment, sort of stigmatizing myself, as I continued to be “sick” month after month after month. I was explaining to friends and family, excusing myself from social or work obligations… and I know for many people I’ve talked to, feeling a sense of shame or embarrassment around long-term illness is common.
Sooooo many people feel guilty when they call out of work here in the United States which is really unfortunate and speaks to the workaholic culture that we live in, where you’re deemed ‘lazy’ or ‘slacking’ if you aren’t busting your ass 24/7. You’re supposed to be mentally & physically invincible to continually produce for the money making capitalist machine. There’s always this feeling of being questioned (at least I felt that when I was employed), ‘Is she reeeeally sick?’ you know? How many days does she reeeeally need to be out?’
When I was going through this at times I worried about what people would think about me and my health. My partner Mark told me someone commented to him at one point, ‘Wow, Katy is sick a lot.’ And this person didn’t really know me from before this year to know my baseline for health. I really did not want ‘illness’ to become part of my identity or what I was known for (this is internalized social stigma of chronic illness)… and I know through my career working with people who had permanent disabilities, that this becomes a problem. When all people can see about you is your illness, or maybe that becomes all you can see in yourself.
For those who struggle with more chronic issues, it’s super important to remember that you are a multi-faceted person and that your identity goes much further and deeper than this one part of your life experience - however consuming it may feel. And sometimes you need support from a coach or therapist to parse that out, and that’s OK.
Another factor becomes that you’re missing out on social events (I’m a very social person and love being around my friend group) …. So there’s just this sense of missing out on the fun.
And this is where Mindfulness of our thoughts is super important again. Checking the facts on your thoughts, not describing situations to yourself in ways that’s going to make you feel more miserable. And I had to just really re-orient myself and remember that this was simply a temporary time period that I had to accept, and hope and determine myself that I would be back to my usual self eventually.
Social support is really important.
Another thing in our Western Society that really sets us back is extreme individualism. We are told we need to figure everything out on our own, and are often shamed by society if we don’t. So we withhold our struggles from others, we isolate ourselves… and then we suffer more than we need to.
I am really blessed to have many close friendships and at least a couple close family members who are still with me, and the truth is that their encouragement and presence through it all was a huge part of what buffered my mental health. I can’t emphasize ENOUGH the importance of social support for our mental health.
I think I’ll do other episodes on building lasting and deep friendships, because there’s no doubt it takes intention and work. One thing I often help my clients with is finding community. Where can they find other individuals or groups of people that they can create social support and connectedness with, because it is an absolute must for our mental wellbeing - especially in times like this when going through difficult challenges.
And I realize many people worry about ‘bothering’ others with their problems and of course there is a ‘middle path’ or balance to be found in relationships, to be sure that give & take are generally equaled out over time - but feeling isolated as an ‘outsider’ is not good for our health, so taking those risks to reach out and open up is important. And the right support system will be there for you as best they are able to, just as you would for them.
The last piece I wanted to touch on after dealing with an extended illness, while on the road to recovery, is learning to re-trust the body. So even after I started feeling better, for a few months I’ve had (and continue to have) this hypervigilance about whether I can trust my body to do what I’m asking of it. Will it go to sleep when I need it to, will my heart rate regulate when I need it to, can I recall information when I need to…
I’ve slowly worked back up in my exercising, and I’m currently preparing for a backpacking trip with a group of my close girlfriends in a couple weeks. Not gonna lie, I’m a bit nervous because I still sometimes get odd heart-rates but nothing like before - and from what I’ve learned, slowly re-conditioning things through finding my edge is important. It’s easy to want to over protect it and then get stuck in a restricted or contracted way of being.
And so learning to be in my body and TRUST my body again has been a journey. And I think what’s beneath this really is our relationship with our body. Again, a whole separate episode could dive into this… but after illness, or even after trauma, many people have this fearful, dissociative or even angry relationship with the body.
Learning to be IN the body, even in discomfort and then even in trusting that relaxation and joy is SAFE, is not as easy as one might think. Creating a friendship with your body is such a process, and another WORTHY process that can happen within a coaching relationship. But, practices like THANKING your body for what it does to you, talking to your body with patience and lovingkindess.
Lovingkindnesss by the way is something called a Meta Mindfulness practice where you send positive mantras & intentions to yourself and others. So it’s literally thinking loving thoughts about yourself and your body. ‘May I be well, May I be at peace, May I be free from suffering.’ …..This translates 100% to the neurochemistry that fires in your brain which can soothe everything.
Something that can be helpful here is somatic healing, somatic being ‘in the body’ or sensations in the nervous system… learning to connect with those sensations non-judgmentally, listen to them and even shift them intentionally.
One of my lovely friends Irene Tracey guided me through some somatic healing sessions that were seriously so helpful. And a big part of somatic healing is giving creative expression to the emotions & sensations felt in the body, whether it be with imagination, movement or sound. It allows us to move the energy that we’re feeling, both creating space for it and moving through and out from it. I will link her information in the show notes, but Somatic healing is a super helpful practice.
My recommendation with somatic healing is that if you are experiencing any active symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, resolve those symptoms working with a therapist and learn a skillset for coping with those symptoms FIRST, before diving into something like somatic healing with a coach. Because somatic healing requires an ability to tolerate and feel sensations in the body, which sometimes with more active PTSD is not possible quite yet - it can lead to flashbacks, triggered emotional responses that are difficult to regulate…. and this can result in further dissociation or harmful avoidance behavior. So, just a little recommendation there, and a well trained somatic healer will be assessing this with you prior to starting.
SO…. I hope this discussion was helpful to you, I hope you got some ideas that are beneficial. And as always, please don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions about what I shared in this episode. I’m just a DM or email away… I always love to connect!
Be well my friend.
